Dear Coleen

Our teenage daughter, aged 13, has been resistant to attending school for an extended period. Initially, she started missing a few days, but now she has been absent for nearly a full academic year, with occasional exceptions. Despite our hopes for her to resume regular schooling this year, she experienced significant anxiety leading up to the new term.

The school has been understanding, maintaining communication, and sending work for her to complete at home, although motivating her to do it has been challenging. In addition to receiving counseling for her anxiety, she has not yet shown progress in returning to school, causing strain on the family dynamics.

The situation has taken a toll on our family life, leading to marital discord as my husband and I frequently disagree regarding our daughter. I had to resign from my job to provide support at home, and our older son is exhibiting behavioral issues, likely due to the attention being primarily on his sister.

Concerns are mounting about our daughter’s social and academic development if this continues, despite maintaining a few local friendships. The stress has pushed me to seek guidance and advice on how to address this challenging situation.

Coleen advises

Following the impact of Covid lockdowns, many children are encountering difficulties in the school setting. It appears that you are collaborating with the school and local authorities to support your daughter and address the current situation.

Given her age, it is a critical period as her peers are laying the groundwork for their GCSEs. The strain on family relationships, particularly with your sacrifice of leaving work to be present for her, emphasizes the need for maintaining a stable routine at home, providing her with clear expectations and structure.

It is essential not to yield excessively to her demands to maintain peace. If she has assigned tasks, she must complete them with consequences for non-compliance, such as limiting privileges. Establishing boundaries is crucial in this situation.

While she is not attending school, enrolling her in various social activities like dance or gymnastics can introduce a routine and offer respite for you. Balancing attention for your husband and son is vital despite focusing on your daughter’s challenges. Consider exploring family therapy along with her ongoing counseling and perhaps transitioning to official homeschooling with online learning to engage with peers.

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