Dear Coleen

I am seeking guidance regarding a heartbreaking situation involving my brother and would appreciate your insights. He is at the initial phase of a severe illness and was recently hospitalized at the insistence of his spouse.

It has been decided that after his discharge, he will transition directly to a care facility. My concern arises from my sister-in-law frequently contacting me to inquire about my visits to my brother in the hospital while she refrains from visiting him herself.

I have reached a point where I have ceased answering her calls due to the frustration of repeatedly discussing the same details with her.

The situation is distressing for my brother, and my heart aches for him.

On a positive note, his condition is improving with the new medication. However, I am upset with his wife’s behavior and feel uncertain about how to address it. I find her actions unacceptable, and currently, I prefer not to engage with her. I do not wish to mediate or offer reassurance regarding her decisions.

Any advice you can provide would be greatly valued.

Coleen’s Response

It appears that your sister-in-law may be struggling to cope, leading her to distance herself. While you have not specified your brother’s illness, if it is related to dementia, different individuals handle it diversely, and some may find it challenging to manage.

I understand your frustration as it may seem like she has abandoned him, although she might be overwhelmed. I suggest having a calm conversation with her to understand her fears. She may admit her inability to confront the situation, and while you may view it as lacking courage and compassion, she might require time and space to come to terms with it.

Showing empathy towards her, considering the emotional turmoil of witnessing her loved one in such a state, could be beneficial. When my mother battled Alzheimer’s, I found it challenging to visit her due to the distressing nature of her condition.

Fortunately, your brother has your support, is responding well to treatment, and will receive care at the facility. If your sister-in-law maintains her stance, she will have to live with that decision, and it is your choice whether to keep her informed about his well-being.

When communicating with her, consider that she may require assistance in managing her emotions and may perceive you as resilient and capable.

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